The Positives (?) of Being Bi-Polar

Mental Illness.  I'm going to admit to having a lot of bias when it comes to this subject.  My family of origin has 6 siblings.  All but one have varying degrees of mental disorders, problems, illnesses.  Call it what you want, just please don't call it "positive".

Lest you think I jest, my most mentally ill sibling told me 2 days ago that sometimes he is glad that he is mentally ill.  Today I got a status update from a bi-polar group that asked its' members to list the positives of being bi-polar.

HELLO!!!!!  Even if you can stay up for 72 straight hours and paint pictures, is that REALLY a positive when you think of all the negatives of being bi-polar?  Do we really want to entertain this kind of logic?  Take your meds, go to groups, and be as healthy as you can be.

Think about it! Having the flu has a few perks.  You can stay in bed and watch T.V., you don't have to go to work, and sometimes people will make food for you.  BUT REALLY, do we ever actually want the flu?  NO!  So let's not act like there is a positive aspect to it.

Is there anything about any people any more that can be considered negative?  How PC do we have to be?  Geez!

END OF RANT!  Remember, my family history before you take me to task about this.  I am way to close to the forest to see the trees.

The Word of God

For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. Hebrews 4:12

What is the word of God?  When I think of the word of God I think of The Bible.  Not that words of God cannot come from people, etc.  It's just that if someone brings you a word from God you should make sure it doesn't go against clearly revealed words from God in the Bible. 

Now the Berean Jews were of more noble character than those in Thessalonica, for they received the message with great eagerness and examined the Scriptures every day to see if what Paul said was true.  Acts 17:11

Last weekend during our devotions Joelle picked the story of Noah to read out of the Bible Story book you see above.  In the story, after all the animals and Noah's family have entered the ark, God closes the door.  I was pretty sure that even in a Bible God does actually close the door.  Joelle had brought her Bible so I told her I thought we should look it up.  I explained to her that not everything written in a story book, even a story book of Bible stories, can necessarily be counted on to be true.  So we looked it up.

The animals going in were male and female of every living thing, as God had commanded Noah. Then the LORD shut him in.  Genesis 7:16

This week I have been reading Matthew 5:13-16

“You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.
 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden.  Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.  In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

I have been reading it in various translations.  Today I ended with The Message by Eugene Peterson.  I actually like Eugene Peterson.  I have read some of his books.  I even like The Message as a commentary on The Bible.  But I sure do not believe it is a translation.

“Let me tell you why you are here. You’re here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You’ve lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage. “Here’s another way to put it: You’re here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We’re going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don’t think I’m going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I’m putting you on a light stand. Now that I’ve put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you’ll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.

 Thus ends my morning thoughts on the power of scripture, searching the scriptures to see if things are true, what constitutes scripture, and teaching kids to question what they read.  Simple approach from a simple person.
 

Friendly Fire

I recently started a group on Facebook of people who wanted to read and respond to the Sermon on the Mount over the next four to five months.  The idea sprang from Hollie's interest in memorizing and while I don't want to memorize right now, I wanted to support her desire.  Hence a group who can respond to the Sermon on the Mount in whatever way they feel led.

I began my reading on April 15th.  An incident with a  friend took place a week earlier.  It was still percolating in my mind while I began my reading of  Matthew 5:1-12.  The more I thought about it the more I knew that what I had experienced a week earlier had felt like persecution (verses 11-12).  Once I remembered that the people who had killed the prophets in the OT and the people most wanting Jesus dead were not the heathen of the land but the religious leaders, the more I knew I was on to something.

Here is the snapshot of the incident.  I was discussing with this friend some views that some other friends were now entertaining and I summarized it with the statement "it all comes down to the authority of the scripture", to which she responded something like "you don't believe in the authority of the scripture."  I was so taken aback by this I don't remember what I said, if anything.  I knew what she meant and because I know how well she knows me, it stung.  Really badly.

Some of you reading may remember the crisis of faith I had in the fall of 2004.  I was challenged by a group of very smart unbelievers on the truth of the scriptures.  It was a very dark time.  If what they were saying was true then who I was and how I had lived (including my parenting) was all being called into question.  If the Bible was not true then maybe all was in vain and I had led my kids down a false path.  A paragraph can not do justice to the paralyzing effect this had on me.  One quarter century of a life of study and mentoring on the life of Jesus being called into question!  After a month I came to the conclusion that they could not prove the Bible was false and I could not prove it was true.  It came down to faith.  I chose the path of putting my confidence in the Bible and moved on.

The reason my friend told me that I did not hold to the authority of scripture is because I have some unorthodox beliefs.  This does not mean I don't hold to the authority of scripture.  It means I do not see Biblical evidence to hold to the creeds which have become the litmus test for orthodoxy. There is no point in trying to tell her that she reads the Bible through the creeds.  For people who have "gone to church" most of their lives, this is just the way things are.  It's like the mind is set to default to reading the Bible through the lens of  the creeds. You don't even realize you are doing it and because 90% or more of Christians do it, you don't have to even challenge yourself to consider the possibility that could be the case.  The burden of proof somehow becomes the responsibility of the minority.

Another reason why this friend brings this up is because she believes she must defend the faith.  I do not believe I need to defend anything especially to another follower of Jesus.  What is important is that Christ is preached.  It did not even bother Paul what the motive was.  Check this passage out: 

¹² Now I want you to know, brethren, that my circumstances have turned out for the greater progress of the gospel, ¹³ so that my ^[i]imprisonment in the cause of Christ has become well known throughout the whole ^[j]praetorian guard and to everyone else, ¹⁴ and that most of the ^[k]brethren, trusting in the Lord because of my ^[l]imprisonment, have far more courage to speak the word of God without fear. ¹⁵ Some, to be sure, are preaching Christ even ^[m]from envy and strife, but some also ^[n]from good will; ¹⁶ the latter do it out of love, knowing that I am appointed for the defense of the gospel; ¹⁷ the former proclaim Christ out of selfish ambition ^[o]rather than from pure motives, thinking to cause me distress in my ^[p]imprisonment. ¹⁸ What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed; and in this I rejoice.

Philippians 1:12-18

For me, holding to the authority of the scriptures means that I will bow the knee to what the Bible says regardless of my own personal views.  If the King says it, wants it, etc. I am the servant and I bow to that authority.  It's not what I think that counts.

What does holding to the authority of the scripture mean to you?  Is it important?  For me it is absolutely essential to my life as a disciple of Jesus.

 

My last post had to do with connected events that led me to a conclusion.  This post has to do with the connectedness of the things I am reading and how those connections inform my life and relationships.  

Over this past month I have been reading the first four chapters in the Gospel of Luke, Mindful Jewish Living, A Generous Presence, My Grandfather's Blessings, Tattoos on the Heart, Crucial Confrontations and The Element.  All of these works have been mingling in my brain as I have been going about my days. What follows is the way I believe God has been impressing me with words to address the four things I've been wrestling with:

1.  How can I be more mindful in situations and see what God wants me to see as opposed to feeling turned off, irritated or annoyed?

Have I been able to be more mindful at work?  No.  Epic fail.  I know how I am supposed to respond.  I know I am supposed to be trying to see the divine spark in everyone instead of the story in my mind becoming what I see.  (Mindful Jewish Living).  I was also impacted by a chapter in the Tattoos on the Heart book.  The author, a Catholic priest, walks the reader through his days of being in community with gang members.  Time and again these hardened people would "crack" or soften to God.  I would like to be a part of this process in my community but I am never going to get there with my human feelings about the people I come in contact with.  I need some God-sized feelings.

2. How can I have a relationship a better relationship with Dawn?

Over the past month I have come to realize just how hard it is to know that I have failed my child and continue to fail her.  It was difficult to realize how my parents failed me.  In an epiphany moment in my early 30's I realized my father was never going to be the father I wanted and it was OK because I realized he was doing the best he could with the cards he had been dealt.  Over the years I have been able to come to that with my mom but it was harder because her influence in my adult life had more negative moments.  Eventually I got there.   I don't know how to "get there" with Dawn.   I'm pretty sure I need to go back to counseling.  While reading My Grandfathers Blessings I realized that because my expectations for this relationship and my relationships with my grandchildren have not been met I need to get to a point of acceptance and that is not going to happen without grieving the loss.  I am not having the relationship with Dawn or with her kids that I wanted and hoped for.  That is a big loss to me especially given the fact that I had intended this to be a very big part of my life.  If I can move on then maybe I can just pray about my concerns instead of  trying to get Dawn to see things the way I see them.  If I can do this then maybe I can give Dawn the gift of acceptance that she deserves.  In Tattoos on the Heart the priest asked a gang member how he thought God viewed him.  He thought long and hard.  "God...thinks...I'm...firme." (could not be one bit better)  I want to feel this about my children and my grandchildren.

3. How can I best help my sister as she is going through another life transition?

It's great to have some healthy relationships in life and one of my best relationships is with my sister Patti.  She has really been struggling and I have tried listen well, which is part of being mindful or present. (Mindful Jewish Living and A Generous Presence)  When she has said things that are only partial truths I have been able to give her a better perspective by showing her where she has not been failing.  Usually I can give myself the same gift of perspective and whole truth but with Dawn and the grand kids, she often has to remind me of the support and love I have given over the years.  I loved a section in A Generous Presence that talks about the coach as a light bearer.   First they shine a light at the edge's of the clients life by asking questions that help bring clarity.  Second they illuminate the path.  I believe I have done this for Patti in word and deed.  And she for me. 

4. How can I support Hollie's desire to memorize scripture?

Hollie and I had a plan to memorize scripture together.  I had the BIG idea to memorize The Sermon on the Mount.  Both of us struggled with doing this and eventually I just told her I didn't want to do it, that I had been reading the Bible for forty years and it just wasn't a priority to continue to memorize scripture.  It was very important at one point in my spiritual development but I just didn't want to invest time in it any more.    What do I happen to be reading in Luke right after we had this conversation?   Chapter 4 about the temptation of Jesus in the wilderness.  How does Jesus, the Son of God combat the devil?  He uses scripture.  BAM!  Jesus had the presence of mind after 40 days of not eating to quote the truth to the devil.  How often am I confronted with similar temptations when the evil one finds an opportune time to attack me.  Perhaps part of my inability to respond to my patrons with the light of Christ is because I am not memorizing and meditating on scripture.  OK Hollie, I've changed my mind.  Let's come up with a new plan.

***********************************************************************************

I would like to thank God for the books he puts on my radar, how my brain processes the books and how the Spirit brings my life circumstances into contact with what I've read.  The result is a desire to grow or change areas of my own life and if I'm really blessed the opportunity to bring light to the paths of others so they can do the same.  What could take this process to an even higher level would be to read the books with others and discuss how we are being impacted.  

Running My Own Unique Race-Part 4

I didn't know this was going to be a special week.  I didn't know this was going to be a turning point in the last five months of my life.  I hesitate to tell you all the things that happened this week because it may sound like bragging.  This week was so full of confirmation, not a typical week but a week that represents the last 14 or so years of living on the West Side.  I give God all the glory for what happened and how he has used me during this time.

1.  The week started with a word of encouragement from Jackie during a small group meeting.  She asked about Arts Camp and I told her about a mom and her son who are coming over soon to do mosaics.  She thought it was great that I was being open to God.

2.  That comment so lifted me up that a day or two later when I was walking to get some free bread from TOW, instead of just saying "hi" to two neighbors I had never spoken to, I asked them if they wanted some bread, too.  They said yes and I was able to tell them I had heard about the free bread on Facebook via S.W.A.N.  A networking moment.

3.  While at TOW I told Cecibel I was taking extra bread for neighbors.  In our conversation she reminded me how we met (at the library) and how I ended up at her house (passing out tomatoes given to me by close friends who farm).  She was very kind in her remembrances.

4.  While walking home from work I ignored while texting a person who I thought was trying to panhandle me.  Actually I said no without hardly looking up.  Turns out he was blind and wanting directions.  So I walked him home and we had the most wonderful talk.  More in person if you are curious. 

5.  Because I had to detour off of Gold I wound up on the corner of National and Fulton.  Who should be there but Pat and Kelly.   She and Pat and I made a plan to get together for mosaics and lunch.

6. Kelly went on and on about a Y membership I was able to acquire for her for free.

7.  I met Sandra (the noisiest of the noisy neighbors I complain about) at the library.  I was able to give her some great service and now she is waving to me when I go to and fro. 

8.  Finished up a flyer for a Create Night.  

9.  Found out a friend was depressed and offered to come over and walk her dog with her. 

10.  Went over to visit a friend who has macular degeneration. 

11.  While helping a person on a computer at work I realized I knew her from about a decade ago. She remembered me and said I helped her after her first hand surgery.

12.  Shout out on a video from an atheist friend about being winsome (my word) in talking with her.

All these things felt like a message from God.  It's OK that I don't walk the streets getting to know my neighbors.  It is OK that I don't want to go to Family Feast or Picnics in the park.  I am being used.  All I need to do is be me and don't worry about how I'm feeling about what I'm not doing.  These things count as love even if I don't feel loving or want to do what others feel called to do.

It goes back to what Jackie said she and Luke have been talking about.  Do we need to look for people to "neighbor" or be open to what the Spirit is doing in our lives?  I think God gave me the answer for me in this wonderful week of events.  

I've been thinking about writing a vision and mission statement for over a decade and I was easily able to pen them after reflecting on this week.  Another gift from God.

Vision Statement:
Help People Become Whole

Mission Statement:
I will fulfill this vision by keeping the eyes of my eyes open to what God is placing before me, by stepping into the lives of people as guided by the Holy Spirit, and by welcoming others to share in my life. 

The Last Five Months-Part 3

During Lent I was reading Mindful Jewish Living Compassionate Life.  I was loving it and getting so much out of it.  In fact, until this past week that was the last time I actually felt "good".  Ok, minus going on the cruise with my brother which was GREAT!!!!

In early April I was at work reading some business book where the author was talking about "privilege".  It so jumped out at me that the word "white" wasn't in front of it I posted on Facebook how stunned I was and how sick I am about all the white privilege talk.  A flurry of comments happened some coming against me and then others going against them.  It faded off the radar pretty quickly, until a few weeks later someone posted an article or two supporting the concept of white privilege.  An old friend posted counter arguments and the volley lasted quite a long time.  A friend of a friend posted on my wall what I considered a diatribe against what she thought I was saying.  One friend who I look up to even posted that she thought Facebook was for sharing pictures.  Truly I felt slapped.  Especially when all I was saying was I am sick of hearing about white privilege.  I do not think speaking of the advantages white people have had in terms of "privilege" advances the conversation.  Words are significant.  Why can't we speak in a way that doesn't put people on the defensive.  That is all.  I know I haven't had to jump through certain hoops black people have.  I know that.  And I am committed to not being the kind of person that creates those kinds of obstacles.  So get off of me.  I do want to give a shout out to a friend who did engage me in some private Facebook messaging, along with my atheist friend who wanted to hear my point of view even though she disagrees.  Thank you.

So I have tried very hard to move on from this.  At the same time being chastised publicly by my mother about not attending her sisters funeral, being told by her that I am not compassionate, having to deal with my feelings about my daughter and the direction I see her kids heading, being told by another family member that their marital status is none of my business, watching my sister try to stay afloat in a sea of unhealthy people, seeing my other sisters physical health rapidly deteriorating and not being able to do anything about it from 1000+ miles away and of course all those wonderings going on that I mentioned at the end of my last post.

Living on the West Side of Grand Rapids and Servants Church-Part 2

We arrive on the West Side of Grand Rapids to Servants Community Church via The Other Way's Helen TerMaat.  We settle in our current location because the house was beautiful and we couldn't afford to move closer to the zoo.  In our thoughts we felt we could be used here.  After all, we had pasts that were similar in some ways to our neighbors.  We wouldn't be judgmental or critical because we had been there.  And now we were changed by Jesus so we had something to offer.  New Life.  Or so we thought.

I'm sure others will disagree about our perceptions (because remember the first paragraph of my last blog-people's ideas and realities are byproducts of their background, reading, churching, etc.) but we were flabbergasted at the lack of emphasis on repentance.  How can we offer New Life when people sinning obviously were at the church and no one cared.  Don and I were saved out of some very sinful behaviors and there was no way people could be in good standing with God and doing what we came out of.  

There was a big emphasis on love and reaching out to our neighbors but over the years we realized that we were critical even though we thought we wouldn't be.  Almost a quarter century had passed since we had been converted so we really could not relate to our neighbors.  Don could more than I could because he was raised in a poor area but I was raised around money - though my family was on the poor side of the affluent tracks.  

I spend much of the next decade feeling unloving.  I was asked twice what I was even doing in this neighborhood.  My church's primary non-Sunday ministry is a meal to our neighbors that I have absolutely no interest in going to yet I want to support the church's mission.  I step away from my schizophrenic brother at this time, increasing my feelings of being unloving.  I bristle during prayer requests at church for loved ones in jail "unjustly".  I am frustrated by people who have a problem with the system taking away their kids when most of the time I am thinking they should have never even had them and if I were Queen of the Mountain they wouldn't have.  All these and many many other thoughts can make one feel like a pretty lousy Christian specimen.

As I look back over this past decade I do see that I have become more caring.  I don't bristle much any more.  I am more accepting of people.  I have developed my listening skills and my open-mindedness to unorthodoxy has helped me be open to  liberal thinking.  I'm actually in the middle now and hope to be here forever.  So I have done some changing over the years.  But I still don't want to go to the mid-week meals and I really can't wrap my mind around saying and maybe even believing that all ways of behaving in life are equal and that it isn't our job to better people.  I still have a hard time knowing that my liberal friends have not moved closer to my points of view, yet I have changed toward so many of  their positions.

In spite of the fact that we cannot teach or be elders at our church because of our unorthodox beliefs, God has used us and continues to use us in significant ways on the West Side.  It has been a painful journey of learning with great joy mingled in.   Right now we are in a wondering stage.  Should we take our long held beliefs about the Body of Christ into a home church environment where the litmus test for leadership is not orthodoxy?  Or should we continue at Servants where we seem to be on the cusp of stepping into a new emphasis that we have 30 years experience in?

As per the last blog, this is the condensed version from my perspective.